Hey, guys! How are you all doing? You might have noticed I haven’t been around lately. It was such a roller coaster ride of emotions for me these past few weeks, not to mention the physical ordeal I’ve been through, and it certainly took its toll.
My husband and I just celebrated our third wedding anniversary this month. We’ve been trying to conceive since last year but wasn’t so fortunate. Last year, I gained too much weight and despite the diet and exercise, I just kept on gaining. It turns out I have polycystic ovaries which also caused my monthly period to stop and in a way, temporarily affected the ability to conceive. But fortunately, it wasn’t so bad on my case. I was given some pills to help me deal with it, mostly with the trying to have a baby part and was advised to lose weight. Which really isn’t easy as I really love to eat. Luckily, my good friend introduced to me a product, a coffee, that she said will help me lose weight. I decided to give it a try since I saw the result on her. Slowly, I started to lose weight and with the help of the pills, my period seemed to become normal again.
And just over a month after all that, what we’ve been waiting for finally come. I am pregnant. We’re so happy and so were our parents as they were waiting for it longer than me and my husband are. All those lethargic and lazy days I’ve had was actually because of the pregnancy. I started having nausea and I’m always hungry yet lack the appetite to eat. We started ordering books about pregnancy and thinking of baby names. We both wanted to have a boy. And then, I started spotting, just a little, for a couple of days. I was told it’s normal but was still advised to take things slow and just stay in bed as much as possible, to be safe. It helped that I’m always sleepy. Six weeks in and we had an ultrasound to hear the heartbeat of our little one. Only, there is none. We were devastated. It was hard to accept that it could end just like that. I’ve been constantly asking myself what have I done wrong. But my husband profusely assured me that none of us were at fault. If anything, we did everything we can and there’s nothing else we could have done differently to change what happened. Of course, the doctor and midwives told us the same thing, that it happened to one out of five pregnancies. But that doesn’t make things easier to accept.
My family told me to wait a couple more weeks just to make sure and after seeing the doctor, he advised to do the same thing as there are instances that the embryo’s development is delayed. But he also told us not to hope too much. But how can you not, right? When it’s the one thing you want the most, how can you give up the hope that there’s a chance, however slim that is, that things will turn out okay. It was the most gruelling two weeks of my life. Our families’ support is astounding, especially my family back in the Philippines. They gave me so much strength despite the distance and I can never be thankful enough. Our appointment for an ultrasound come and this time, I am more accepting of whatever the outcome may be. Our baby still hasn’t got a heartbeat and even stopped developing altogether. It is as painful to hear as the first time but like I’ve said, I’ve already come to terms with it and there’s no use beating myself about it when I know Adrien and I did our best.
It’s been over a week and right now, Adrien and I are both doing fine. We are still in the process of moving on from the loss and I’m certain it will stay with us for a long time. Yes, we cry and we talk about it a lot but we are also optimistic and just think that now, we have a little angel looking after us. We are hoping that things will turn out differently the next time. It wasn’t easy and it took a lot of will to abandon the couch and the bed and slink back to what I’ve been doing before, but I’m trying, albeit slowly.
Thank you all for taking the time to read my rather lengthy personal update. I hope you, guys, have a great day.